Before the Petals fall
by Howlingwolf94
Summary: Sleep had at one point been a peaceful reprieve from the world. But now that that girl has entered it, he becomes restless and must face his most deadliest foe: his past. one-shot


_Author's Note: I got bored and tired of doing the same old thing of working on my other stories (not that I would ever truly get bored of them, I just felt like trying something different), so this came into conception. _

_I had original planned this for an AllenxLenalee one-shot song-fic, but it became so morbid and depressing (the ending in itself was deciding the point), I changed it to Kanda and the mysterious girl that pops up in his dreams, you know the one in I think appears in chapter 191 or 192. This is probably just as sad but not so depressing. _

_I hope you enjoy and I do not own –man or the song: My Immortal by Evanescence._

Before the Petals fall

_**I'm so tired of being here,**_

_**Suppressed by all my childish fears**_

_**And if you have to leave, I wish that you just leave**_

_**Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone**_

"_Before the petals fall…I'll wait for you…forever." _Those words, the ones whispered softly into his ears from that girl, who would not give him an ounce of peace. Her form, beautiful and regal, had seize to relent in appearing in his dreams, the one place he could ever truly escape. But now that she had overpowered and overruled his domain, sleep had become something he hardly cared for. It was now only a means of recuperation and recovery.

If he could, he would go for days without sleeping. Just to escape the ever present form of this mysterious woman, no matter how much desire he felt for her, and all the pain that came have to relive the very same dream.

Gruffly growling, Kanda Yu pulled himself up into a sitting position on his bed, lightly cringing at the sharp stab of pain at his side. A measly wound, a mark of suffrage that was bound to heal in a matter of hours. Such was the fortune, and curse, of being a second exorcist. Sometimes his regenerative powers made him lose sight of the fact that he was still, in fact, mortal. The wilting lotus flower beside him was enough evidence to prove him wrong though.

He still had a while before the flower had truly finished wilting, and at the present moment, it had barely just begun. So he had quite a while until his existence was extinguished. But each day forced him to question his purpose in this life. What would he achieve if he were to continue down the path he was treading? Was there not an end to this winding path he followed, full of promise and hope and light? Or was he doomed to suffer a life of utter damnation with an end that only harbored the steadfast agreement of bleakness and despair? A life of loneliness.

It was all he ever knew.

_**These wounds won't seem to heal**_

_**This pain is just too real**_

_**There's just too much that time cannot erase**_

"Tch." Snarled Kanda as he shoved all of his so called 'weak thoughts' aside. He had no time nor patience to put up with his bizarre creation and even stranger past. That's not to say though that they didn't creep onto him like a stalking panther, pouncing onto him when he least expected it.

Unwanted memories filled his mind soon after, swarming like locus as they forced him to experience that in which he fought so desperately to suppress. Memories of his existence as a child, his days with Alma, his discovery of the true nature of his existence, it all came rushing back from the back doors and shady corners of his mind. It wasn't like he had forgotten it, oh no. He simply just never wanted to think about it. And now that he was, all the pain and sorrow had returned.

Gritting his teeth further, he began clutching the sides of his head in pain, unable to shake away the waves of unacknowledged sorrow and despair. "Why…must you continue to haunt me?" seethed Kanda as his cold sweat broke out upon his face, one eye left slightly cracked open, glaring out at the world. He was waiting for a response. But never was given one of substantial value. Only more words from his troubled and twisted past.

"_Before the petals fall…I'll wait for you…forever."_

He closed his eyes tight after that, unable to stand looking upon his world filled with lotus's any longer. It pained him to see all those flowers, swarming his view of the world, and making it increasingly difficult to concentrate. Yet he never let on the difficulties of his life show on his impassive and uncaring face. He wasn't like the damn beansprout, who held his heart on sleeve. That's why no one had been able to guess what truly was on his mind, or figure out just went on behind closed doors.

Behind closed doors, his emotions were left to roam as wild and as free as they wished.

Not that he'd ever really allow himself to become a blubbering idiot like the usagi though. He still had some self pride to uphold, even if no one was looking. But that, rightfully, was untrue. There was always someone watching him. That girl, for instance, would never leave him alone. And yet, though he mostly was against this next thought, a part of him wished that she would never leave him.

_**When you cried, I'd wipe away all your tears**_

_**When you'd scream, I'd fight away all your fears**_

_**And I held your hand through all these years**_

_**But you still have**_

_**All of me**_

Was he losing it? Were these memory flashes finally starting to get to him? Had his sanity finally cracked at this sudden surmise? No, this wasn't the first. Nor would it be the last. His sanity had shattered a long time ago. It had taken many years to rebuild it but all that was left were the crumbled pieces of his previous sanity, all held together loosely by a single thread. And that thread was already on the verge of snapping.

Before he knew it though, he had passed out.

**DGMDGMDGM**

Suddenly, a thought washed over him as he found himself slowly opening his eyes. Instead of the cold and empty space that was his room, he was greeted with a sea of bright blue sky, as far as the eye could see. He found himself laying on his back in a field full of various flowers, all of which were in full bloom. Though none of them could match the beauty of the girl who stood with her back to him. "Hey, do you know this flower? It points towards heaven…" he found himself saying as he continued groping up at the sky.

_**These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real**_

_**There's just too much that time cannot erase**_

"_It's a Lotus…"_ replied the smiling girl as she turned to face him, her face indistinguishable from where he laid. But he knew it be her, the one from his dreams. The one that had continued to haunt him. _"It's born from mud, pointing upward to heaven. A flower that blesses the world…_

"_Just like how you bless the world in which we share."_

A sudden feeling wielded up in his chest, a desire to be with her becoming even stronger as he looked back to her. But she was gone, at least for now. Sighing tiredly, his body still aching for unknown reasons, he allowed his arm to fall back to his side in exhaustion. He suddenly felt a wetness to his eyes, a stinging sensation falling heavily on his tired eyes. He found himself mouthing words, his voice having became to hoarse to utter them.

But soon his voice rang loud and clear, though soft in tone, holding all the affection you could ever get out of him. Though she was someone he hardly knew, someone who often times bothered him for their hanging around, he still felt the distant familiarity that came from distant recollection. The fiery affection and foreign infatuation that he felt for her was evident in his words.

"I love you…forever."

**DGMDGMDGM**

Kanda suddenly became hyper aware of where he was, his eyes snapping opening as his pupils expanded to compensate for the lack of light. He found himself sprawled upon the cold stone floor, the lonely rays of the moon splashing upon his naked torso. The bandages around his abdomen were now tainted by the scarlet color of his own blood, his wound having reopened from the impact of falling to the floor.

Feeling slightly groggy, the samurai cautiously got to his feet as he began wiping his face away of the sweat. His breath came in shaky gasps, his heartbeat raising as he leaned against one of the plain walls surrounding his room. Tears continued to slide soundlessly down his cheeks, small streams leading to the inner confines of his very soul, pouring out remnants of his deep sorrow and pain.

_**When you cried, I'd wipe away all your tears**_

_**When you'd scream, I'd fight away all your fears**_

_**And I held your hand through all these years**_

_**But you still have**_

_**All of me**_

This had been happening for quite some time now, this being the tenth time in the past two weeks in which he has found himself in this same situation. Him always left in anguished tears after having been suddenly woken up. The dreams…or memories…were painful to relive, ultimately becoming the chief reason why he detested sleep. Because his dreams would always lead him to her.

Face rather calm despite the fact that tears were still issuing from his eyes, he ambled over to where his coat laid, Mugen beside it. Slipping on his exorcist coat with a shrug, he grasped the mighty sheath of his innocence sword. It gave him reassurance knowing that his weapon was in his hands, ready to be of use, but it was a fleeting reassurance. It didn't solve his internal strife. Tying back his hair, he gave a sigh as he gruffly wiped away his tears after breaking free from his reverie.

Wobbling forward, he made his way over to where his broken window stood, the moon light just pouring in from that one doorway to the outside world. A sigh escaped his lips, his features softening ever so slightly as he placed a bare hand across the smooth glass surface. Even in a reflection he could still see the lotus flowers that plagued his waking world. Though it pained him to see all those blooming flowers, he couldn't help thinking sweet thoughts (that really only made him feel disgusted with himself, though he couldn't help it) about the girl, the oath to find her heavy on his mind.

This life, a world just before you joined the great celestial realm of the heavens or fiery bowls of hell, was like a lotus flower. Though this world was filled with doubt, distrust, and darkness, much like the mud in which a lotus flower bloomed, the blossom brought forth a light filled with hope upon this world. She had told him that, a long time ago before their intertwined souls had been pulled apart.

_**I've tried so hold to tell myself that you're gone**_

_**But though you're still with me**_

_**I've been alone all along**_

She had said that the existence of the lotus flower resembled the destiny of an exorcist.

"Man, I'd like to see that, the whole field in bloom. Someday the two of us could see it together." He mumbled dazedly to himself, his mind immersed with a memory belonging to the distant past. An hint of eagerness glittered in his eyes, something that was uncharacteristic of his cold and uncaring character. _"Really? Even if we're both old and gray?"_

The girl suddenly appeared beside him, her image seen through the mirror. She could be seen intertwining her arm around his, a smile on her face as she leaned into him. He showed no inclination that he felt a thing. "Just you wait…" The smile deepened on her face.

"_I'll wait…forever." _The faintest trace of a smile appeared across his face as he continued staring out at the night, body shining under the basking glow of the moonlight. Slowly, his hand ensnared the ethereal image of the girl's own petite hand. A single stray tear could be seen sliding down his face.

"Before the petals fall…I'll search…forever."

_**When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears**_

_**When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears**_

_**And I held your hand through all of these years**_

_**But you still have**_

_**All of me**_

_**Me**_

_**Me**_

_Author's Note: So…what'd you think? I know this kind of sucks and that Kanda was somewhat soft and ooc, but his character is sometimes rather hard to convey into words. Especially when you want to dig deeper into his inner character. Um… I'd love it if you dropped me a review, possibly pointing out the flaws I've made with his character if you feel that there is any. _

_ Most of the dialogue was derived from chapters 191, 192, and 193. The lotus flower comparison came from the canon storyline as well. I hope this was fairly decent. I'm harsh with myself, I know._


End file.
